Intellectual

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary intellectual is defined as: 1. of, relating to, or performed by the intellect: RATIONAL 2. given to study, reflection, and speculation 3. engaged in activity requiring the creative use of the intellect.

I had a session with my counselor (Tammy) yesterday and one of the topics we talked about was my joining Phi Theta Kappa and what it means to me. I’m maintaining a 4.0 GPA but this doesn’t mean that I “feel” smart or think of myself as smart. I understand that my grades represent my ability to apply myself and process the information I receive so that when it comes time to reproduce that information, it can them be represented by a letter grade or percentage. My peers and fellow classmates have been saying, “you’re so smart, you’re so creative, and you’re so….,” compliments that are being spoken with sincerity, but compliments I haven’t been use to hearing outside of the biasness of my husband and close friends. I have been rewriting and redefining a lot of wrong messages that were sent to me as a child. I had to ask Tammy, “Why is that I have been so affected by these messages when they occurred long ago, even though I have spent the last 27 years of my life surrounded with positive messages?” I knew the answer to my question but it just helped to ask it out loud. So, Tammy and I talked about this idea and we concluded that I needed to redefine what it means to be considered an intellectual.

Since I’m visual, I use a mental picture of a tape recorder as I erase the old, wrong messages and tape over with new messages and definitions and then I hit replay a few times until I am able to assimilate the new information. Having reflected on the definition of what an intellectual is has helped me to realize that I am and have been an intellect. The definition provides me with something which is concrete, not biased and won’t change based on how someone else feels about me.

I wished I had heard my parents say they were proud of me and my accomplishments, but they didn’t and perhaps they never will. I have grieved over this, but it is time to grow beyond it and live. With this thought, I have come to realize that I no longer need to hear it from them to know that I have accomplished some outstanding skills, using what is considered my intellectual abilities. I’ll not feel comfortable with others calling me this or even labeling me as being smart. It isn’t out of a false sense of humility that I say this; it’s more from the awareness that when others hold you up on a pedestal, a fall is inevitable. What ever I achieve in this life, it is my desire to serve God fully with all of my heart, mind and soul. If man is pleased with me and my achievements, I shall receive it as the praise and recognition it is intended to be. However, it is for my Heavenly Father’s praises that I seek and will count as sufficient.