Hitting the Wall

Everyone hits the wall at some time or another, especially when taking algebra. I hit the wall a week ago after I received my first test grade. However, the circumstances that brought the tears did not have as much to do with the grade, as it did with a comment another student made about it. Let me explain. I have to work at math, but I eventually get it and I studied hard for this test. With a class of 35 students, there were 4-A’s, 2-B’s, 4-C’s, 6-D’s and 19-F’s. I received a B. I’m not satisfied with the B and will continue to work hard to strive for an A. I understand that a B is a good grade, and I will work at accepting this idea. What I am not okay with is the reaction I experienced as the result of the comment. Basically, she said she could not believe I got it and I should not let any of the other students see it because they would be disappointed in me since they all look up to me. I know that she did not intend for this comment to hurt, but it did. What her words really did was to remind me that I have not finished climbing over a particular wall, or as I would call it, a mountain of emotional damage my parents created. What I really heard, “you are not good enough unless you are perfect.”

What I have learned during the past 18 months of college is the more I have learned the little I truly know. I am not perfect, and while I would love to be, I cannot achieve this while in my carnal state. In my heart, I know that being less than perfect is okay, God accepts me just as I am, my husband accepts me, my close friends accept me and the list goes on. Why is it that my parents cannot accept me? I do not have the answer to that question, though I have plenty of suppositions. What I do know today, concerning this encounter with my wall, is realizing I had to lay another issue on God’s alter as a burnt offering. We are constantly dieing to self and once we recognized an area that God does not intend for us to carry around, we experience a death of sorts. With death, comes grieving. I am in this process of grieving. I am working through this and can get close to talking about the issue without crying; however, I do not trust my emotions just yet to talk about it with just anyone. I believe the next step in this process is to take what I know in my heart and transfer that understanding to my head.

I cannot reiterate enough when talking to others, especially for those who work with children, please be aware that your words are as life and death. Physical abuse is much easier to heal from, but emotional abuse can take years to heal. It is hard to erase the old recordings and replace them with new, so I decided to burn the old information and just replace it will brand new information. It has taken this experience to fully understand that I am worth something more than what I know, what I can do, what I have to offer and any number of ways to be identified with. I choose to identify myself with Christ, and through Him, I am complete.